My Baby Is Leaving.

My heart is breaking.
My youngest is going off to college in the morning, and I am in pieces.
This little girl is the light of my light, I love her more than life itself, she is simply amazing, brilliant and kind and beautiful and I just love and adore her so much, how am I going to be able to live without seeing her pretty face every day?
Without her cheerful chirping (she sings constantly from the time she gets up, as she does her chores, as she did her homework,  just that sweet soprano softly reminding me that she's there), her daily trips to get her morning iced coffee and my iced tea that started years ago with me getting them then changed to her getting them when she got her license?
Before her stomach issues were diagnosed, when it was for a long time just me and her on Sunday summer mornings, her little girl voice announcing, "Mum, it's Sunday, ice cream for breakfast" and the two of us would go to the local ice cream stand and laugh and talk and she made me fall in love with her, as she told me about her world.
My babygirl always hit every milestone way ahead of schedule, it was always taken for granted she was the smartest in her class, every teacher loved her, every one always asked how I did it, but the only thing I did was try to parent her in the ways I hadn't been, and she was always just so easy, easy baby who never cried and slept through the night from day one, easy toddler who was potty trained at not even a year and a half and who made the sales ladies laugh when this little peanut sized two year old picked out her own clothes and oohed and aahed over BabyBop tee shirts.
My angel face little girl who had so many health issues, from needing eye surgery at 9 months, to suspected failure to thrive that was just her being really tiny, a diagnosis of severe hearing loss which no one caught until she was in middle school because she was so damn smart,  to needing not one but two sets of braces and still going through teeth issues which hopefully will be resolved over the Xmas break, to stomach issues that caused her to lose so much weight she couldn't afford to lose, stomach ulcers that led to a diagnosis of severe IBS and food allergies, my little teen always excelling at school and learning to eat so she could just get to 99 pounds, never letting on just how much pain she had to have been in, surgery over last year's Xmas break to fix a mild issue that she never told anyone about, so many medical issues and she met them all the same way she meets every issue, with courage and grace and fierce intelligence and the ability to handle things that would bring an adult to her knees.
Accepting of all the crazy dysfunctional family issues, absent father, autistic twin brothers, other brother with issues, overwhelmed single mother who kept too many balls in the air and often dropped them, she was just a joy.
And after excelling in high school, she's leaving tomorrow morning for one of the best universities in the world with an amazing financial aid package and she's going to be so far away and while she's at the store, I'm yet again crying uncontrollably, looking back over the mistakes I've made as a mother, feeling selfish and childish because this is what's supposed to happen, I am so proud that she's able to do this and know she's going to excel at college and then grad school, she's worked so hard for this opportunity.
But she's going to be so far away, and the light of my life for the past almost nineteen years won't be in my life the way she was.
Trying to figure out a way to get through this, and I just don't know how.
This from someone who never even wanted to be a mother.

Day 2

  The workout was a 45 ish walk, then Kettlebell Kickboxing Power, which really kicked my ass. Loved it, was dripping sweat everywhere, but not much of a calorie burn, as usual.
  Food was going well until right before dinner, when I found chips, and then for dinner turned out to be me, and really overate Au gratin potatoes.
  Why do I do that to myself? 
  

Starting Over Again.

  257.8.
  Ouch.
  I have a hernia that's going to need to be fixed, but I want to get a breast reduction and a tummy tuck at the same time, so I need to get my weight to 150. 
   Roughly 110 pounds to lose, this is going to be so hard.
  I took a short 45 ish walk, then came back and did Turbo EZ 45, probably my favorite TurboFire workout.
  My eating is within  my calorie limit, need to burn off about 200 more calories before bed, just wanted to put this here to keep myself accountable.
  Me.  

Here I go again..........

Weight: 256
Was actually doing well, but then school ended and with an overcrowded house most days, as well as Mommy Taxi, the working out fell to the wayside.
Sound familiar?
School started for the youngest today, and got in Jillian's Kickbox Fast Fix workouts 1 & 2, then Rainman came home (half day) so #3 has to wait.
Love love loved this one- this is a keeper!
I'm a sweaty happy mess right now, just waiting for the sweat to slow down so I can shower. 
And, Jillian's coming back to The Biggest Loser, which may make it watchable again
Also, found the funniest weight loss blog and a great supportive Facebook group: Mama Laughlin .
This woman is bawdy, total potty mouth, funny as hell, and just such a sweet person.
Go read her. :)
Shower time.

Balance

I am not going to weigh myself for a little bit (another week or so), because while I've gone down two sizes in pants, the last time I weighed myself I gained a pound, and it made me so pissed I said screw the healthy eating, and binged.
Still doing a Turbofire/JM revolution hybrid, but I find myself happy when it's time to do Turbofire, and with a huge dread factor when it comes to do the JM.
Not that the Rev workouts aren't effective, it's just doing the same two workouts over and over makes me crazy bored.
Friday, did the turbofire abs workout that was scheduled, but then it was time for the scheduled stretch and I did maybe ten minutes and just couldn't force myself to finish it.
At all.
And could not stomach Jillian either.
I ended up doing Firm Classics Volume One with Susan Harris.
Oh yes, this made me sweat and made me feel good.
I can not believe this workout used to be a breeze, with 20 pound ankle weights the only thing that made me sweat.
I didn't even think about using ankle weights, and the poundage never made it above 15, but oh yes, this is the reason why I fell in love with working out way back.
The killer floor work had me dripping sweat onto the mat.
Yesterday, did the scheduled Turbofire 45 class, and grabbed Bodystrikes with Ilaria.
The first made me sweat, and made my calorie monitor happy, and the second made me smile, getting me back to my TKD state of mind.
Going to try to keep sticking firmly to Turbofire, and mix in Firm Classics as the second workout, but not going to beat myself up over not being able to do the same JM over and over.

Back on the workout wagon

Weight : 258

As usual, I have been focusing on taking care of everyone but me, and when I do take care of me, it's with food.
Yesterday, pulled out the Turbofire set I got awhile back, and did the Fire 30 set +stretch.
Like it always seems to, the workout seemed to make eating healthier a little easier, and I kept to my calorie goal (way under, actually).
Today, did the scheduled HIIT class, and it was only 15 minutes, and while it was fun, it was 15 minutes.
I pulled out Jillian Micheal's Revolution, and did the 30 minute first day.
I felt good, and was going to do the recommended first week second workout cardio, but I really hate doing the same instructor one after the other, so I did Kelly Coffey Meyer's TLC boxing workout (30 minutes).
While I feel sore and sweaty, my calorie burn is very disappointing.
I just burn less calories than other people, I know this, but it sucks.
I do love exercise, and always forget just how good it feels when the endorphins are flowing, but it always seems that I have to go hard, long, and heavy, while others do a third with better results.
Just started two 90 day rotations, going to see how this goes.
Being fat is just too hard.

Things sort of went to Hell

Well, I was doing relatively well, started Jillian Michael's Shred (hard but I love it) Turbojam (not so hard but goes by fast and the music rocks), and then my Bodymedia strap broke.

And like a Skinner rat, without the reward of seeing my calorie burn, and the accountability of recording my calories, out went the weight loss effort.

And even with a ridiculous UPS fee, it took forever for the straps to come.

As a gift, I got Turbofire, and a friend who's lost well over 100 pounds with it assures me that I am going to "love love love TurboFire!".

Not sure of my weight exactly, I think it's creeped back up to 254, but I've been avoiding the scale.

Tomorrow, starting the 90 day TurboFire plan.

Something has to work.